Not Again…

On Christmas day of all days, I started to feel another bout of mastitis coming on (#4!) I was so unbelievably fucking fed up by this time, and did not need to think twice about immediately instituting the preventative measures. As I watched my temperature climb on the thermometer, I took ibuprofen then got super aggressive with hot baths two-three times a day, I doubled my lecithin dose, doubled my probiotic dose, pumped twice a night, iced after feedings, used cabbage leaves, etc. I called my doctor’s office, and they prescribed antibiotics for me to pick up just in case things worsened and I needed the meds after business hours.

Despite my initial doubts, I also boiled and drank the Chinese herbs my mother mailed me (desperate times call for desperate measures). The herb concoction is a combination of peach pit, dandelion leaves, peony leaves, red jujubes (Chinese red dates) and some other plants, the names of which I do not know in English. I Googled these things, and was faced with a slew of non-information and/or warnings indicating these plants had not been proven safe for breastfeeding. Oh yeah? We’ll I’m pretty sure oregano, dill, and cayenne pepper probably also haven’t undergone vigorous FDA testing for breastfeeding safety, but no one’s worrying about random spices, so I’m not going to worry about random plants. Plus, I’m pretty sure the three courses of antibiotics I’ve required thus far aren’t exactly the best for breastfeeding either, so I’ll take my chances with the dandelion, peony, and unidentified roots.

The herbal “tea” tastes awful. Husband doesn’t think it so bad, but I imagine it tastes similar to flavors you’d find from a muddy puddle of stagnant water in the forest. Very appetizing.

After 3 days of this time-consuming and maddening routine, I declared victory, having avoided full-blown mastitis for the fourth time.

LOL Vegan Gluten Free Ramen

How about NOOOOO?

Sometimes when I’m bored, I actually bother to leaf through the coupons that come in the mail. Today, I encountered the coupon pictured above. This food is so preposterous I don’t even know what to say. Are they aware Japanese people invented udon and also MSG? How can you possibly open a legitimate udon noodle restaurant and simultaneously advertise for NO MSG and NO gluten? Give me a fucking break. I can already imagine how boring, flat, and ridiculous this food tastes. Stewing udon broth in vegetables will never, ever, ever, ever give it the same flavor or depth as broth stewed in meat. Period. Impossible. No.

The whole demonization of MSG is junk science anyway, probably stemming from racism against Asians. Oooh I ate Chinese food and got dizzy! Shut up. The billion Chinese people eating MSG regularly don’t seem to have your imaginary MSG allergy. How do you explain that? Your stupid sensitivities are made-up, just like many gluten and carb allergies. For most people, it’s not a fucking allergy. It’s an aversion. There’s a difference. You aren’t “allergic” just because you refuse to eat something based on your blind adherence to the latest retarded fad diet. Allergic is when you eat something and swell up/stop breathing and possibly die. Did you asphyxiate or die from eating MSG or gluten? No, so you are not allergic.

The coupon advertises it is “Voted the best Vegan BLT in California by PETA” which is completely meaningless. If PETA people don’t eat meat, they cannot possibly know how shitty vegan BLT’s or vegan ramen udon are. These are the same people who compare eating pork to the murder of Jewish people during the Holocaust, so their opinions when it comes to meat are hysterically biased. Also, this is to say nothing of the fact a place that serves both BLT’s and Udon noodles cannot possibly be a good restaurant. This is some seriously infuriating hipster bullshit.

A Little Perspective

I’m not big on frozen desserts, but sometimes I’ll have a couple of ounces of frozen yogurt topped with fresh blueberries, mangoes, and raspberries. My favorite ice cream is Hagen Dazs Rum Raisin, but I probably only buy the smallest sized carton of this once a year, if that. Being a frequenter of Yelp events, I’ve also had the opportunity to taste various craft ice creams and gelatos, most notably and recently sea salt caramel and Himalayan pink salt flavors that were lovely and memorable.

However, we were hanging out at South Street Seaport in New York over the weekend and stopped for refreshments in the heat. I was drinking a juice, and Kyle had a pretty decent IPA. My brother came back to the table with French fries and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s. I never go to McDonald’s, but if I did, these would be the exact two items I would order. He offered me some of the ice cream cone, which was quickly becoming softer and drippier in the summer heat.

I took a few licks and handed it back to him. Maybe the heat and hours of walking made the soft serve that much more enjoyable. Maybe the section in my Mindful Birthing book about practicing “mindful eating” and paying deliberate, intentioned, attention to texture and flavors during the eating experience had made its way into my subconscious. I suddenly had a realization about how simple, cheap, forgotten, and underrated MacDonald’s soft serve was.

He had a few bites then offered me the rest. As I finished the familiar, melty, sweet, cone, I considered that this fast food classic could easily compete with hipster caramel and exotic pink salt.